General Manager: Tony Reagins (since 2007)
Manager: Mike Scioscia (since 2000)

Gains: Hideki Matsui, Joel Pineiro, Fernando Rodney, Brian Stokes

Losses: Jose Arredondo, Kelvim Escobar, Chone Figgins, Vladimir Guerrero, John Lackey, Shane Loux, Gary Matthews Jr., Dustin Mosley, Darren Oliver

Minor League Deals: Cory Aldridge, Travis Chick, Bobby Korecky, Michael Ryan

Projected Starting Lineup
Erick Aybar – SS
Bobby Abreu – RF
Kendry Morales – 1B
Torii Hunter – CF
Hideki Matsui – DH
Juan Rivera – LF
Howie Kendrick – 2B
Mike Napoli – C
Brandon Wood – 3B

Projected Starting Rotation
Jered Weaver
Joe Saunders
Scott Kazmir
Ervin Santana
Joel Pineiro

Projected Bullpen
Brian Fuentes (Closer)
Fernando Rodney
Kevin Jepsen
Jason Bulger
Scot Shields
Brian Stokes
Matt Palmer

The Angels WILL make the playoffs if: 1B Kendry Morales continues to hit as if he were imbued with Mark Teixeira residue…SP Scott Kazmir makes 30 starts for the first time since 2007 and pitches like he did down the stretch for the Halos (we’ll just g’head and forget the postseason, m’kay, Scott?)…RP Fernando Rodney’s inevitable coup d’état of the closer’s role happens sooner, rather than later.

The Angels WON’T make the playoffs if: RF Bobby Abreu and DH Hideki Matsui can’t find the Lazarus Pit at 36…SP Scott Kazmir leads the team in 2010 starts…CF Torii Hunter spends more time playing sociologist than centerfield.

Over/Under (84): I lost a c-note last year betting against the Angels to hit the under on 87 wins. Lesson learned. Despite a rejuvenated squad in Seattle and a Rangers team that’s capable of making the jump into contention at any time, I’m not picking against the Angels until someone can knock ‘em off. And, as a certified Halos Hater, it looks like I’ll have to wait until the playoffs for that to happen. Again.

http://sports.insidepulse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/ipsportsmlb2010_laangels.jpg
http://sports.insidepulse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/ipsportsmlb2010_120_laa.jpg

News Item: The Oakland A’s signed SP Ben Sheets to a one-year, $10M contract with incentives.

Last week, Sheets – who hasn’t thrown a pitch in a Major League game since August 2008 – held a workout for interested teams down in his home state of Louisiana. By all accounts, Sheets was superb. His fastball topped out in the low 90s and his signature curve looked as sharp as ever.

24 hours after Sheets’ workout, reports began circulating that the erstwhile Milwaukee Brewers ace was looking for a one-year, $8M contract. I’d read that my Oakland A’s were one of the teams down in the bayou taking a first-hand look at Sheets. However, when his expected price tag became public, I figured the A’s would stand pat with a pitching staff that finished an impressive fourth in the league in ERA and a standing-room-only starting rotation that’s at least six deep on the eve of Spring Training.

The A’s apparently had money to spend after free agents Marco Scutaro, Adrian Beltre and Aroldis Chapman rejected the team’s offseason overtures (in fact, the A’s offered Scutaro and Beltre longer, more lucrative deals than what they accepted in Boston). And, like a child with Christmas money still in his pocket, the A’s spent it all on the last broken toy in the box.

Every hour since this deal went down; I’ve found new ways to hate it even more.

The A’s did NOT need pitching. They’d re-signed former All-Star Justin Duchscherer (who also didn’t pitch in 2009) for one year, $2M plus incentives. Brett Anderson and Dallas Braden pitched exceptionally well at times last year, while Gio Gonzalez, Trevor Cahill and Vin Mazzaro took their lumps, but all showed legitimate promise in 2009.

The “you can never have enough pitching” argument doesn’t apply when a team signs a guy for more than twice the combined salary of their entire rotation – especially, a guy with the injury history of Sheets.

Now, let’s be generous and toss out 2009. Sheets has averaged just a tick over 150 innings pitched over his last four seasons. Former A’s starter Rich Harden – who shares Sheets’ bouts with brittleness – threw 148 and 141 innings in 2008-2009, respectively. With a MUCH stronger recent track record, Harden signed with the Rangers for 30% less than Sheets.

The only way this deal works is if two things happen: (1) The A’s contend deep into the season and (2) Sheets throws 180+ effective innings.

In case you hadn’t heard, the A’s are seriously considering Ryan Sweeney (career SLG: .387) and Kurt Suzuki (career SLG: .398) for the #3 spot in the batting order. This is a terrible offensive team that won’t contend as currently constructed. And, if Sheets throws 180+ innings, it’ll be just the second time since 2004 that he’s done so.

A’s boy-genius GM Billy Beane has fallen over himself to tamp down expectations for this team’s short term future:

“We have a long way to go. It’s going to take some time and some commitment. I don’t know in our marketplace if there’s any way to speed up that process.” – Beane on the A’s rebuilding effort, October 2009

“The only way [the A's can eventually contend] is continued development of young players and adding more players, and acquiring young players is the most difficult thing to do. That takes time.” – Beane, December 2009

From where I sit, Beane dropped $10M on a player and – in Beane’s BEST case scenario – he flips Sheets, if healthy AND productive, for prospects and other rebuilding chips at the trade deadline.

My A’s spent $10M on the prototypical “player to be named later”…for someone else’s team.

As plans go, it fits right in with the past three years:

2007 – Brought back almost the entire team that reached the ALCS in 2006, replacing DH Frank Thomas with Mike Piazza in hopes of contending. Instead, injuries crippled the roster; the A’s finished third and began the teardown process by trading SP Dan Haren and OF Nick Swisher the following offseason.

2008 – With a younger roster in place, the A’s were surprising contenders through the first half of the season. They were eight games over .500 and just five games behind the Angels when they threw in the towel and traded SP Rich Harden on July 8, then SP Joe Blanton on July 17. At the time, Beane’s reasoning was that he didn’t believe the A’s were really contenders.

2009 – Beane’s commitment to full-on rebuilding lasted about five weeks into the 2008 offseason. The A’s acquired OF Matt Holliday and gave up one of their prized prospects for the honor. Jason Giambi, Orlando Cabrera and Nomar Garciaparra were also brought in, as Beane completely changed course with an old, selfish roster that stunted the development of the kids who’ll actually be in Oakland one or two years down the road.

2010 – Make “value” the cornerstone of your promotional campaign by signing a guaranteed DL visit to a $10M contract, then selling your remaining 800 fans on the OBProspects you’ll get in return come July. You hope.

Individual regular season tickets are on sale this Saturday!
http://sports.insidepulse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/ben-sheets-120×120.jpg
http://sports.insidepulse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/ben-sheets-e1264645994129-500×249.jpg

Your prognosticators-slash-mirth makers are, again, m’man Tom Daniels – a Mets fan from the excellent One New York Life blog. Check out his 2009 Mets postmortem and laugh along with the rest of America. We’ve also got Cards fan Eugene Tierney from Tailgate Crashers. Fortunately, Cardinals red goes nicely with all the black he’s been wearing since St. Louis was eliminated. He’s already writing about the 2010 free agent class.

Los Angeles Angels vs. New York Yankees

Aaron: Darryl Kile of the Cardinals was the last MLB player to die during the regular season before the Angels’ Nick Adenhart passed away in April. In 2002, Kile’s Cards swept Arizona in the NLDS before losing the pennant to the Giants. I have no doubt that the Angels are deriving inspiration from Adenhart’s death, but we don’t need to keep referencing the kid to explain the 2009 Halos. They beat Boston in the ALDS because they were better when they needed to be. Playing for the memory of a deceased teammate makes a quaint story, but in a short series – as the ‘02 Cards discovered – endings ain’t always happy. That goes double for those of us who hate the Angels with every fiber of our being. Pick: Angels in 6

Tom: With the only perfect record in the opening round, I’m on top of the world. The reason why the Halos tend to own the Yankees isn’t exactly mind-boggling. Get ready for the following two sequences because you’re going to get real sick of seeing them. First: Single, hit to right, first to third on Nick Swisher’s arm. Second: Single, stolen base on Jorge Posada’s arm, hit to left, second to home on Johnny Damon’s arm. The only question in this series is if they Yankees battering offense can keep up. Recent history says it can’t. Pick: Angels in 6

Eugene: The Yankees are hot right now. Joe Girardi did the right thing by resting C.C. Sabathia, something that Eric Wedge and Ned Yost didn’t do in the past. As a result, he’s looked the sharpest he ever has in the playoffs. The team did everything right against the Twins. While the Angels have played well, the Yankees are playing better. Pick: Yankees in 6

Philadelphia Phillies vs. Los Angeles Dodgers

Aaron: It must be fate. I grew up equidistant from Dodger Stadium and the old Anaheim Stadium, yet I despised both teams. Still do. It doesn’t have to make sense. Logic need not apply. The Dodgers and Angels are going to meet in the 2009 World Series. When Vincente Padilla – cast off by the always pitching-needy Rangers – shut down the Cardinals in the deciding game of the NLDS, I saw the light. When former A’s farmhand Andre Ethier offered up a series-long exhibition of his limitless potential, I saw the light. But, the light was cold and dark. My two most hated teams will be fighting for the game’s Holy Grail later this month. See y’all in 2010. Pick: Dodgers in 7

Tom: The Phillies starters are worlds better than the Dodgers. The Phillies line-up, top-to-bottom, is worlds better than the Dodgers. Postseason games with young pitchers are won in the bullpen. J.A. Happ, Joe Blanton, and Cole Hamels are pretty much five inning starters. So if I pencil in two wins for Cliff Lee and one for Pedro Martinez, that leaves 48 outs for a bullpen that walked just around 4 per 9 IP with, conveniently, just around a 4 ERA. Pick: Dodgers in 7

Eugene: This should be a really good series. Both teams have good pitching and great hitting. The difference is the Dodgers’ bullpen and Joe Torre. The Dodgers played their pitching perfect against the Cardinals and they will do the same thing with the Phillies, which is a testament to Torre and his ability to manage a game. Pick: Dodgers in 7

http://sports.insidepulse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/NLCS.jpg
http://sports.insidepulse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/NLCS.jpg

Colorado Rockies vs. Philadelphia Phillies

Aaron: Everyone is quick to credit manager Jim Tracy with turning the Rockies around, but let’s not ignore A’s GM Billy Beane and his generous contribution of closer Huston Street (35 saves) and OF Carlos Gonzalez (.525 SLG) during the offseason. The Phillies are vulnerable at the back-end of their bullpen, but with an offense that bludgeons opponents like the 1995 vintage of Suge Knight, I like the defending champs’ chances. Pick: Phillies in 4

Eugene: A rematch from 2007, only this time the Phillies are much better. Their hitters, featuring six potential All Stars, should be able to knock around the Rockies pitching, which is probably the weakest of the NL playoff teams. Pick: Phillies in 3

Tom: Full disclosure: the only Colorado Rockies games I saw this season were the unlikely four-game, last-gasp sweep by the Mets. The only question in a series in which one team is going to start Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, and Pedro Martinez is whether or not the bullpen can manage to put some outs together and get them through to the next round. I’m pretty sure they can, but I’m going to bet the Phillies’ bullpen loses at least one game. Pick: Phillies in 4

St. Louis Cardinals vs. Los Angeles Dodgers

Aaron: See what happens when OF Matt Holliday gives a damn? He posted an ungodly 1.023 OPS after waking up from a peaceful 15-week sleep in Oakland. The Cards’ offense doesn’t walk much, hits with decent power and is tough to strike out. The Dodgers’ pitchers don’t give up home runs and strike out everyone under the sun. This has the feel of a series that won’t be decided by the superstars. And, Tony LaRussa has been cranking out lousy bit players with a knack for timely hits since the days of Lance Blankenship. Pick: Cardinals in 5

Eugene: I’m nervous about this one. Torre is trying to neutralize the Carpenter/Wainwright duo by starting lefties Wolf and Kershaw; the Cardinals ranked 26th in baseball against lefties after acquiring Holliday and DeRosa (30th before the acquisitions). Neither manager is saying much about what will happen after that. The Cards also struggled down the stretch, but that was much like 2006, where they backed into the playoffs. Season Series: Cardinals 5, Dodgers 2. Pick: Cardinals in 5

(On a side note, Cardinals Shortstop Brendan Ryan is up for the American Mustache Institute’s 2009 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year award.)

Tom: It seems like pretty much everyone is taking the chalk across the board in these series. That never happens. As Eugene noted, the Cardinals are horrifically bad against lefties and the Dodgers are starting two of them. And you can’t even claim the Pujols factor when Manny’s on the other side. I just have a weird feeling that if there’s going to be an upset in the first round that it’s this one. Pick: Dodgers in 5

Minnesota Twins vs. New York Yankees

Aaron: The Twins can at least hang their collective hats on the fact that there’s been one constant this decade as it relates to the Yankees in the playoffs – the loss of at least one game in the Division Series, resulting in the typical fan overreaction and mass hysteria from the media. The universe will return to normal, shortly thereafter. Now, if only AJ Burnett and Jorge Posada could find love. Pick: Yankees in 4

Eugene: It really didn’t matter who played the Yankees – both the Tigers and Twins would have been over matched. At least the story will be Pavano’s return to New York and not Miguel Cabrera’s taking BP on his wife. We will still hear about A-Rod’s not being clutch at some point, though. Pick: Yankees in 4

Tom: Oh Carl Pavano, it’s going to be a rough Friday. Everyone is going to focus on the fact that the Twins don’t really have the pitching to cope with Pinstriped Wrecking Crew. Then again, we’re also assuming that CC Sabathia’s 8 postseason ERA is an aberration and that AJ Burnett’s not going to have bad starts. Of course, the Twins’ 0-7 regular season record against the Yankees doesn’t give me great confidence in picking against them. Pick: Yankees in 3

Boston Red Sox vs. Los Angeles Angels

Aaron: The Angels have dedicated their season to the memory of deceased teammate Nick Adenhart. The Red Sox had done the same for Jason Varitek. The Halos handily won their division again, but who in their rotation would you want on the mound in a must win game? Jered Weaver? Joe Saunders? And, ace John Lackey hasn’t been all that dominating. Look for Boston to steal one in Anaheim, then crush the Angels at Fenway. The headlines will read “Boston Massacre”. Has that been used before? Pick: Red Sox in 4

Eugene: The Angels have a line up that fits better in the NL. I’ll be curious to see how they match up with the Red Sox pitching. While Boston has owned the Angels in the past, I think this is their year to beat them. They have a playoff experienced go to pitcher – Scott Kazmir; while he hasn’t been as good as he was last year, I’d trust him as the go to pitcher. Pick: Angels in 5

Tom: There are a couple of red flags for the Red Sox this season. First and foremost, you can’t anger the Baseball Gods by raising the white flag on the division and settling for the Wildcard in early September. Second, even though Jonathan Papelbon’s ERA is still relatively impressive for a closer, his walk-rate is triple what it was in his previous seasons. While that might fly against the orderly confines of the AL East, one walk in the eighth or ninth inning against this annoying line-up is going to give Papelbon fits. I watched National League teams and the Angels destroy him this season. Let’s also keep something else in mind: this idea of the Red Sox’s ownership of the Angels comes from three past series. In two of those series, the Red Sox went on to win it all (indicating they were pretty good) and last year. I’m also going to mention that Scott Kazmir is probably going to end up being one of the best trades of the season. Pick: Angels in 4
http://sports.insidepulse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/nlds-120×120.jpg
http://sports.insidepulse.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/nlds-499×447.jpg

I’m normally numb to the tawdry tabloid side of sports and entertainment, but Wednesday’s mind-blowing story involving future Hall of Famer Roberto Alomar possibly carrying the AIDS virus and knowingly…man, I just can’t get my head around this.

Y’see, we knew about Robbie here in California long before the rest of the baseball world. Even in an age when the game was broadcast almost exclusively on a local basis, we’d heard of Alomar’s exploits despite – in my case – only seeing him play when his Padres faced the Dodgers on KTTV, Channel 11 out of Los Angeles.

Alomar was a base-stealing sparkplug in San Diego before taking a quantum leap forward after being traded to Toronto during the 1990 Winter Meetings. (I still remember the short-lived sports daily The National proclaiming the Alomar/Joe Carter-for-Tony Fernandez/Fred McGriff swap as simply “The Biggest Trade in Years” on its front page.)

Starting in 1991, Alomar went on an incredible 11-year run in which he made the All Star team every year from ‘91 through 2001, won ten Gold Gloves, four Silver Sluggers and the 1992 ALCS Most Valuable Player award as he single-handedly ended my Oakland A’s ersatz dynasty once and for all.

He was the greatest second baseman I ever saw. Alomar’s range to his left was so wide that the Jays could’ve made a legitimate case – on defense AND offense – for playing without shortstop Manny Lee in an eight-man lineup from 1991-92.

Still, I’ll always remain puzzled by Alomar’s carpetbag career. At the risk of forgetting anyone more obvious, he might end up as the first ever “hired gun Hall of Famer”. During his 17-year career, Alomar never spent more than five years with any of the eight different teams he played for (which doesn’t include his ill-fated 2005 spring training with Tampa Bay).

Alomar hit .336/.415/.541 with the Indians in 2001 at the age of 33. The very next season, he was done. Oh, he played for three more years, but that was solely on his reputation. This wasn’t a precipitous drop-off. This was a drop-dead. He retired before the start of the ‘05 season.

Now, nearly 20 years after Magic Johnson’s seminal announcement, I’m hoping against hope that one of my top five favorite non-Oakland A’s of all time isn’t carrying the virus. I know it’s selfish to feel this way. I know he’s being accused of a horrific act.

Maybe it’s because I known people who’ve lived with this disease and known people who’ve died from it, too. Maybe it’s because I’m finding it increasingly difficult to imagine a time – 10 or 20 years from now – when I’m romanticizing the players I watched in my youth without wondering if the steroid era rendered my memories moot.

In his only comment on the matter Wednesday, Roberto Alomar says he’s in “good health”, but doesn’t directly dispute the AIDS claim.

I’m rooting for you, Robbie. Now, more than ever.

Greg Smith

7-16, 4.16 ERA, 32 GS

The Good News: When all 8,000 A’s fans were singing Greg Smith’s praises after he posted a 2.84 ERA in his first ten starts, I was the voice of reason that screamed, “Wait! He’s not as awesome as you think!” Thankfully, the A’s front office saw what I saw and flipped him to Colorado in the Matt Holliday deal. Smith was pretty OK in the first half (3.43 ERA), he held lefties to a .270 OBP on the year and his 15 pickoffs were one of the highlights – seriously – of the team’s entire season. Ugh.

The Bad News: Smith completely imploded in the second half (2-9, 5.17 ERA) as his career-high workload caught up with him. He’s got average stuff and a razor-thin margin of error, so the league simply laid off of any breaking pitch he threw and forced Smith to come at ‘em with a 90 mph fastball he could only occasionally toss for strikes.

2009 Outlook: It kind of sucks that all of the Billy Beane sycophants – who LOVED Smith out of the gate – called him a low-ceiling #5 starter and focused on his won-loss record (obtained with the worst run support in the league) as Smith was on his way out the door. Still, his future is in the bullpen, where he could make millions as a Paul Assenmacher/Alan Embree imitation.

Dana Eveland

9-9, 4.34 ERA, 29 GS

The Good News: After an early August demotion to Triple-A, Eveland came back three weeks later and had a half-dozen strong starts (2.84 ERA, 2-0) before getting cuffed around in his final start of the year. He recorded a 3.49 ERA in the first half and pitched well vs. lefties all season.

The Bad News: Eveland walked 77 and struck out 118 – a terrible ratio made worse by the fact that he walked more than four batters per nine innings. RH hitters reached base at an ungodly .371 (OBP) clip. It’d be nice to see the 25-year-old take his conditioning a little more seriously. You can be a fat steaming load – a la David Wells – when your résumé shows you’ve earned the right.

2009 Outlook: The A’s have some blue-chip pitching prospects in the pipeline behind Eveland, so he’s probably not anyone’s long-term answer in the rotation. Watching him blob around the basepaths during Interleague play has me hoping that he ends up in the National League, eventually. As it stands, he’s probably our #3 starter right now. Damn it.

Justin Duchscherer

10-8, 2.54 ERA, 22 GS

The Good News: It was something of a breakout campaign for the unassuming, erstwhile relief pitcher. He spent most of the season among the league leaders in ERA and was named to the All-Star Game (where Fox PBP guy Joe Buck – unfamiliar with any player east of the Mississippi – mispronounced Duke’s last name). He was often economical with his pitch count while going deeper into games as the season wore on.

The Bad News: As pretty much everyone predicted, Duke wasn’t able to make it through his first season as a full-time starter. A hip injury nagged him all year long, before finally shutting him down in mid-August with just 141 innings pitched. There’s a terrific piece over at fangraphs.com that suggests – correctly, IMO – that some of Duke’s success in ‘08 is not sustainable going forward.

2009 Outlook: I thought the A’s should’ve moved Duchscherer last season at the same time they were showing Joe Blanton and Rich Harden the door. Duke will be a free agent after this season and is either going to (1) price himself right out of Oakland or (2) injure himself right back to the bullpen. He’s our ace as of this writing.

Huston Street

7-5, 3.73 ERA, 63 Games

The Good News: Finished the season with a flourish, posting a 1.37 ERA over his final 19 2/3 innings in 17 appearances, striking out 20. In the first half, while still the closer, Street shook off a poor start to post a 2.74 ERA and 17 saves from mid-April to mid-July.

The Bad News: On July 13, he spectacularly blew a save against the Angels right before the All-Star Break, effectively killing the A’s season. Yes, yes, the two events aren’t cause n’ effect, but still… Street’s always been wound pretty tight, getting flustered and agitated whenever runners reach base or he can’t find the touch on his pitches. He blew up at manager Bob Geren during a pitching change in Detroit and ended his A’s tenure as a fifth/sixth inning spare part.

2009 Outlook: “Closer mystique”, as everyone knows, is overrated. That said, Street ain’t got it. He’s averaged 25 saves per year in his career and is capable of doing it again, but he’ll never be the lights-out stopper he was in 2005 or, to a lesser degree, in 2007.

Brad Ziegler

3-0, 1.06 ERA, 47 Games

The Good News: He threw 39 scoreless innings in 2008 to begin his career – a feat that was unquestionably (and sadly) the biggest highlight of the season for the A’s. Already insanely beloved by A’s fans, Ziegler blogs at the fansite Athletics Nation and comes across as a humble everyman (he was signed out of an independent league) just happy to be in the bigs.

The Bad News: One of the best and worst things about being an A’s fan is that we’re conditioned to generally piss on sentiment. Ziegler’s 2008 season was superficially excellent, but beneath the buzz, it was a colossal fluke. He allowed his fair share of baserunners (roughly 1.5 per appearance), his BB/K ratio was only 22/30, lefties thumped him pretty good (.800 OPS) and his groundball skill set is heavily dependent on the defense behind him.

2009 Outlook: I’m calling a hee-yuge regression for Ziegler next season, if he’s used the same way in ‘09. He’s not without value, but if Oakland really has him earmarked for a part-time closer’s role and/or 8th inning bridge, LH hitters will eat him alive. Let him face tough right-handers late in the game or in situations that call for a groundball and the A’s could have the best years of Chad Bradford all over again.

Joey Devine

6-1, 0.59 ERA, 42 Games

The Good News: After returning from the disabled list on August 3, Devine didn’t give up an earned run the rest of the season spanning 24 appearances. Before hitting the DL, his ERA stood at 1.23 through his first 18 games. LH hitters recorded a .515 OPS against Devine, while righties could only muster a .312 (!!!) on-base plus slugging. He didn’t give up a home run all season (in 45 2/3 innings) and avoided the unsightly walk totals that have plagued his abbreviated big league career.

The Bad News: Devine missed about two months with a strained elbow and his rough delivery hints at future arm ailments. He was mostly a low leverage set-up man in 2008, with his best work coming when the A’s had long since thrown in the towel on the season. It remains to be seen if Devine can hold up from April to October over the pressure of a real pennant race.

2009 Outlook: A’s management envisions a case-by-case division of the closer’s role next year. Sometimes it’ll be Ziegler, sometimes it’ll be Devine. I’d be stunned if this job-sharing nonsense lasted too long, though. Devine does all the things that Ziegler can’t: miss bats, intimidate and shut down hitters from both sides of the plate. He not THIS good, but he’s better than anyone else the A’s have. The whole “grown man called ‘Joey’” thing does work my nerves, though.

.226 BA .327 OBP .348 SLG

The Good News: After bottoming out offensively with a .595 OPS on August 21, Barton hit .307/.418/.525 over his final 124 plate appearances (31 games). His defense noticeably improved throughout the year – in fact the relatively esoteric stat RZR ranked him as one of the top gloves at first base in all of baseball.

The Bad News: Though purely coincidental, the A’s nosedive immediately after the All-Star break coincided with Barton’s face-dive into the shallow end of a swimming pool during the All-Star Break. As a hitter, Barton spent long stretches of the season muscling up and trying to pull the ball. His ceiling is probably more Mark Grace than Mark McGwire, but the A’s coaches either failed to convey this message to Barton or he ain’t listening.

2009 Outlook: A’s upper management can be gloriously vindictive when their players say/do stupid things. So, the fact that Barton wasn’t punished beyond a mild reprimand for his dumb-ass Aquaman impression says that he’s (1) still in the team’s long-term plans or (2) was brought back (after a 15-day DL stint) to build up his trade value. He’s only 23-years-old, so he’ll at least be the starter on Opening Day.

Mark Ellis – 2B

.233 BA .321 OBP .373 SLG

The Good News: Pretty much every fielding metric – from basic to sophisticated – has Ellis as the best defensive second baseman in the Majors. That, combined with the memory of his fluke-tastic 2005 season (.316/.384/.477) has ensured that he’ll be forever overrated to some extent by A’s fans. Ellis was named to the A’s 40th Anniversary team which, as a “highlight”, sums up his season nicely.

The Bad News: From the middle of June until the end of Ellis’ injury-shortened season in late August, he hit .196/.287/.289. He also was tremendously unlucky in 2008, as his batting average on balls in play (BABIP) was under .250. The A’s became a steaming heap of unwatchability down the stretch and Ellis often set the tone with his 325 mediocre plate appearances in the leadoff and #2 spot, combined.

2009 Outlook: Ellis re-signed with the A’s for two years and $11 million after the season. The deal’s been panned by a lot of A’s fans, but I’m OK with it. He’ll be perfectly league-average at the plate next season when his BABIP returns to a semblance of normalcy, while his defense remains ridiculously underrated. Likely to remain completely devoid of personality, though.

Bobby Crosby – SS

.237 BA .296 OBP .349 SLG

The Good News: Inexplicably named the A’s MVP of the first half by the team’s mlb.com beat writer due to a hot three weeks to start the season (.312/.368/.475). Those 20 games bought him a season-long pass from uninformed fans and media who continue to couch their denial of his awfulness with clichés like “…if only he could stay healthy…”.

The Bad News: 2008 was Crosby’s healthiest season since his rookie campaign in 2004. After his first 20 games, he hit .225/.284/.328. He finished the year as the worst hitting shortstop (.645 OPS) in all of baseball and the third worst hitter – position be damned – in the Majors. Worse than Jeff Francoeur. Worse than Jason Kendall! Willy Taveras and Michael Bourn should forfeit their salaries for finishing behind Crosby.

2009 Outlook: For all of the accolades that have been heaped upon GM Billy Beane – Boy Genius, it’s a damning indictment of the A’s player development that they have NO ONE in the system whom they trust with the everyday shortstop job more than Crosby. No way my favorite frugal franchise eats the $5.25M he’s due in the final year of his idiotic contract, so I’m hoping they give him away this winter.

Jack Hannahan – 3B

.218 BA .305 OBP .342 SLG

The Good News: Finished two points ahead of Bobby Crosby in OPS last season. A career minor-leaguer, Hannahan got his first everyday job in the Majors in 2008 at the age of 28. Consequently, his 501 plate appearances is about 250 more than he should ever, ever see in any single season for the rest of his career.

The Bad News: Meh. I can’t be too snarky here. Hannahan is a quadruple-A talent who was forced into a regular role at a level that’s too high for his softball-league swing. Once the league stopped throwing him fastballs, he was exposed on a nightly basis by even below-average breaking stuff.

2009 Outlook: Hannahan’s ceiling is that of a spare part on an also-ran squad. He can play the infield corners and take the occasional walk in what should be one or two starts per week. If his ‘09 involves anything more than that, here’s hoping it’s with another team.

And, the Rest… Oakland’s annual AARP roster spot went to 34-year-old DH/1B Mike Sweeney. He hit a little in April, missed most of the season due to injury and then caused a minor stink when he was released in September. Eric Patterson came over in the Rich Harden trade. His two claims to fame: he’s Corey Patterson’s brother and he weighs 86 lbs. Eric Chavez only played in 23 games and, for the first time in five years, we can’t blame him for this sh*t.

Holliday for OF Carlos Gonzalez, SP Greg Smith and RP Huston Street

I’m way behind in my A’s 2008 player post-mortems, but here’s a quick synopsis of the talent in line to leave Oakland:

Carlos Gonzalez – Formerly the top prospect in the Diamondbacks’ chain, he came over in the Dan Haren 6-for-2 blockbuster last winter. Racked up 302 at-bats for the A’s in ‘08. Raw and undisciplined on offense (13 walks all season), dogged by questions about his attitude and absence of power.

Greg Smith – Also part of the Haren deal, Smith made 32 starts for the A’s last year. His pickoff move is the one great skill he brings to the mound. Otherwise, his ceiling appears to be a number three or four starter. Supporters point to his abject lack of run support all season (3.12/start), but I point to his terrible BB/K ratio.

Huston Street – Lost the closer’s job in Oakland in August. I don’t normally buy into the seam-head notion that closer’s are wired any differently than other relievers (the immortal Tim Worrell once saved 57 games over a two year stretch) but, Street’s one of those guys who can’t seem to shake off a blown save like the great ones.

Holliday is a very good player, but I just don’t see how he fits on the A’s

ESPN used a park-adjusted projection that states Holliday’s 2008 OPS would’ve been just 26 points lower in Oakland. Now, I know this is uncharted territory for bloggers, but I’m calling bullsh*t on the World Wide Leader in Sports.

.357/.423/.645 – Career AT Coors Field
.280/.348/.455 – Career AWAY FROM Coors Field

Look, I get that Holliday would become the A’s best player, but this team finished two dozen games behind the Angels in ‘08. He ain’t making up that difference by himself. And, not to beat this to death, but last year was the first season since 2005 that Holliday’s home/road slugging splits were within 100 points of each other. In 2007, the difference was 240 points and in 2006 it was 320 points.

On the surface, it seems like the trade equivalent of all those big-name free agent signings the Orioles were famous for this decade. The Miguel Tejadas, Rafael Palmeiros and Ramon Hernandez were all brought in to show the fans that Baltimore was competing…right to their annual fourth place finish.

Something else has got to be at work here. The A’s may try to flip Holliday to St. Louis – where he was also rumored to go or maybe they’ll see if the Dodgers have any interest if Los Angeles can’t re-sign Manny. Regardless, there is no way on erf that Matt Holliday will be an Oakland A in 2010.

By itself, this is just a really weird deal. Gonzalez’s perceived value as a top prospect has probably taken a bit of a hit, but “potential” is still value in this league. Street pitched better down the stretch and earned an opportunity to close again. Both of these guys and a young starter for a guy who won’t get the A’s any higher than second place?

This is a really weird deal.

Myth: After being wrong about the Rays in the ALDS and the ALCS, Aaron is ready to concede the world championship to Tampa Bay.

NEVER! Look, there are a number of angles to explore here. Will the Phillies be rusty after a week-long layoff? Did the seven-game split-decision with the Red Sox sap the Rays dry? Do the Rays have any answer for the Cole Hamels Express? Which Phillies offense will show up: the flaccid squad that couldn’t hit the Brewers or the not-as-impotent troupe that defeated the Dodgers?

Tampa Bay is simply a better team than Philadelphia. While the Phillies’ “O” is stronger at the top, the Rays feature more balance throughout. The same could probably be said about the starting pitching staffs. So, how am I going to talk myself into picking the Phillies?

Cole Hamels had better start the first, fourth and – if necessary – seventh games of the Series. He’s so much better than anyone else on the Phillies staff that 85% of Hamels on three days rest is a surer thing that 110% of Fat Blanton and Jurassic Moyer.

Offensively, the Phillies can’t afford to fall into the National League trap of playing for one run with small ball tactics. They’ve gotten to this point with mostly one huge inning in every playoff win.

Notwithstanding, while their bench stinks, Charlie Manuel had better be sure that a one-run game doesn’t end with either Matt Stairs or Greg Dobbs on the bench. Either one is better than nearly half of their starting lineup.

The Rays – save for their sleepwalk job through game six of the ALCS – have looked fresher than either of the two teams they’ve faced. If this goes the distance, Tampa Bay might simply be the last team standing. Philadelphia is going to have to take both of the first two games in Tampa to have any shot here. I think they’ll do it.

And, they won’t be coming back.

Prediction: Phillies in 5

Myth: Home field advantage will be the deciding factor in this series.

Fact: In baseball’s postseason, there really isn’t any significant statistical edge to the holders of home field. This one will come down to the talent on the field. The Rays make for a cute, cuddly bunch of base stealing scamps who have a whale of a pitching staff, but an inferior offense to the Red Sox. I’ll be the first one to call myself out for eating it with my White Sox/Rays guess, but unlike Chicago, Boston’s “O” can run with Tampa’s (3rd vs. 1st in team stolen bases) and reaches base better than anyone in the AL. Throw in a comparable allocation of arms on the mound and I see a competitive series, but one that’s still easy to call.

Prediction: Red Sox in 6.

Los Angeles Dodgers vs. Philadelphia Phillies

Myth: Manny and the Dodgers will Manny their Manny into the World Manny.

Fact: The Phillies didn’t hit a lick in the NLDS and now they’re facing a Dodgers pitching staff that’s deeper and better than the Brewers. Much was made of how the right-handers in Los Angeles negated the Cubs’ righty leaning line-up, but the Phils have threats from the left side (Howard, Utley and the switch-hitting Rollins) to put up a few crooked-number innings. Philadelphia’s rotation will take their lumps – Jaime Moyer and Fat Joe Blanton should ensure at least a six-game series – but a decisive Game #7 within the confines of the caustic Philly faithful will be the deciding factor in this series. See what I did there?

Prediction: Phillies in 7.

Aaron Cameron blogs about sports, music, movies, food and his family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Bill Brown
Color Commentator: Jim Deshaies
“Patti” with an “I”, Annoying with an “A”: Patti Smith (Sorry, kids…the Astros have someone who’s even harder to find a picture of than the Arizona’s “interview bunny”.)

20 years ago, I played with the Houston Astros…on the old Nintendo Entertainment System video game RBI Baseball. In fact, I vividly remember a dramatic seven-game series that pitted me against m’boy Smitty. I’d exhausted Nolan Ryan’s arm in an earlier game and none of Mike Scott’s Vaseline balls were crossing the plate, so I went to the bullpen for Charlie Kerfeld. Miraculously, he gave me six shutout innings, picking up the win and clinching the ‘88 Dork Series for my imaginary electronic team. Good times. While you can’t see me in the postgame celebration, Charlie Kerfeld comports himself well, don’t you think?

Chemistry: These guys. This was an odd little pairing as Brown is cold and rigid, while Deshaies – the former Houston Astro – poorly plays the role of “storytelling broadcaster”. Deshaies spun a yarn about Nolan Ryan, during Ryan’s days with the Angels, apologizing to a batter before he hit him with a pitch. It wasn’t funny in the least, but Brown’s overselling belly laugh was positively noxious. Deshaies spit out similar groaners (“Cy Young? Maybe if that’s ’s-i-g-h’!”) all game long with Brown as his unlovable laugh track. Everything between them felt forced and phony. It was like watching two white men mimic my marriage. Grade: 1/10

Knowledge: By the time you’re reading this, I will have sat through 30 different broadcast teams for this feature. I’ve never heard anyone call a game like Bill Brown. He speaks entirely in factoids and clipped bits of trivia. Y’know those silly little “stats” that accompany a player’s picture on the JumboTron? (“Tejada is 8 for his last 15…”) Well, that’s the extent of Brown’s play-by-play. “Berkman’s got X runs batted in this month.”; “He’s hitting Y since the All Star Break.”; “He’s hit Z home runs at home this year.”; “It’s a single to centerfield…he’s now 4 for 5 off this pitcher”. Deshaies is just brutal. Astros SP Brandon Backe gave up five in the first inning, but not once did Deshaies attempt to analyze. Ever. All game. He dredged up some astrological nonsense about kids who are born in August having the best chance to be big leaguers. When the crazy man came in off the street corner, Brown called his notions “plausible”. You have my sympathies, Astros fans. Grade: 1/10

Enthusiasm: All game long, Brown and Deshaies seemed to get excited about everything but the game. After the answer to the trivia question was revealed, Deshaies made a comment about K-Rod’s five postseason wins in 2002 and called it “ironic” since he only appeared in five regular season games that year. Brown brought out the fake laugh, loudly exclaiming “That IS ironic!” It’s not irony. It’s “coincidence”, you dolts. I guess I have to give them some credit for occasionally appearing interested. Grade: 2/10

Bar Stool Q: Deshaies was once a clean cut, inconspicuous pitcher from the late ’80s. Today, he sports a shaved head, black-framed glasses and evil goatee. The original Deshaies has obviously been replaced by his doppelganger from some parallel universe. Normally, I’d be all over this…asking him about the evil Superfriends and pushing for parallel universe Uhura’s evil e-mail address. But, Deshaies is just so…I mean, here’s his work on the replay of a double play: “A quick two hopper…boom, boom, boom. Two outs.” What are they paying him for? And, after two hours of conversation with Brown (“That’s Aaron’s fifth bourbon of the evening, two in the last 25 minutes.”) I’d wanna punch him. Grade: 1.5/10

Camera/Production: Patti Smith pimped FSN’s weekend coverage of Wee Craig Biggio’s number retirement ceremony about a billion times. I exaggerate, of course, but trust me when I say that a billion Biggio network promos wouldn’t have been worse than the top of the fifth inning here. Smith interviewed the CEO of the Houston Golf Association right over the first two outs of the inning. He was there to hype a golf tournament that starts on March 30, 2009 and runs through April 5, 2009. Earlier, some cell phone company sponsored this question: Who had a greater impact in their field: Babe Ruth or Elvis Presley (both of whom died on August 16)? Brown called the question “intriguing” and Deshaies said the query would “divide households”. Jesus. Grade: 2/10

Homerism: Newly-acquired Diamondback Adam Dunn came to the plate early on and, to their credit, both Brown and Deshaies sang his praises (even mentioning OBP and SLG) without once mentioning Dunn’s strikeouts. Too many lazy journalists and fans act like the K’s somehow negate Dunn’s entire offensive skillset and for a road player he’s an easy target. Good job, gentlemen. See? I’m fair. Grade: -2.5

Commerciality: Your Houston-area Ford dealer sells something called an F-180 “Texas Edition”. I’m guessing the glove compartment doubles as a cooler and the passenger’s side airbag can be driver-deployed to assist in spousal beatings when both his hands have a beer. The Mesquite Championship Rodeo is running show at – and I quote from the graphic – “The Air Conditioned Resistol Arena”. I don’t know why this tickled me. Maybe because I’ve seen the opening credits of old shows that tout “In COLOR!”

AFLAC Trivia Question: “Other than Randy Johnson, which active pitcher has won five games in a single postseason?” (My answer: Andy Pettitte; Correct answer: Francisco Rodriguez)

Final Grade: 5

Play-by-Play: Vin Scully
Color Commentator: None
Pre-Game Stooge Troika: Patrick O’Neal, Kevin Kennedy and Steve Lyons

“High fly ball into right field, she is GONE!” With those nine words, the venerable voice of Dodgers baseball ripped my heart out on October 15, 1988. It would be years before I could watch the highlights of Kirk Gibson’s Game #1 deathblow to my A’s. Yet, as much as the end result (still) pains me, I’ve grown equally disdainful of Jack Buck’s national radio call of the home run (“I don’t believe what I just saw!”), which has unofficially become the moment’s historical record. No disrespect to the late Mr. Buck, but Scully’s is arguably the greatest home run call of our generation. Vin Scully’s words should be how that home run is remembered. 20 years of my own shock treatments, notwithstanding.

Chemistry: To the best of my knowledge, Scully is the only Major League Baseball TV broadcaster to work solo in the booth. I started listening to him on KTTV-Channel 11 in LA when I was seven years old and in all that time, he’s been by himself – save for his appearances on NBC’s national Game of the Week when he was often paired with Joe Garagiola. It’s amazing how much dead air I’ve heard while tuned in to two and three-man booths during this feature. Scully keeps a natural, measured pace and connects with his audience like few others can. Unfortunately, he’s a victim of my own scoring system. Grade: N/A

Knowledge: I’ve read some criticism over the years that basically accuses Scully of leaning too heavily on his producers for in-game notes and situational analysis. And, to those people, I officially call bull-plop. On a stolen base by Dodgers OF Andre Ethier, the throw went into centerfield, but Ethier failed to advance to third. Scully immediately noted that Ethier was looking for the ball when he should’ve been looking towards the third base coach, Larry Bowa. Scully followed that up by suggesting the tempestuous Bowa would let Ethier know about it. Earlier, Marlins SS Hanley Ramirez was thrown out attempting to stretch a single into a double. Scully recognized that the leftfielder was shading towards center, which gave Ramirez the false confidence to try for two. If those are someone else’s observations, I’d argue that he learned to recognize them from Scully. Grade: 10/10

Enthusiasm: Former Oakland A’s prospect John Baker finally got the call to The Show with the Marlins on the night before this game. Scully spent a few moments before Baker’s first at-bat detailing his long journey to the bigs. A pitch or two later, Baker homered over the right field wall for his first Major League hit. Scully’s call of the shot was thrilling, as he topped it off with a genuinely sincere “Wow” and an expression of congratulations for Baker and his family in attendance. Again, this was for the road team. His voice will raise a couple of notches for the Dodgers (as it did on a Russell Martin bomb in the sixth inning), but the next time Scully screams over the air will be the first time I’ve heard it. Grade: 8/10

Bar Stool Q: Scully’s memorable calls include Hank Aaron’s Ruth-breaking home run in 1974, Bill Buckner’s error in the 1986 ALCS and, of course, that Gibson thing. No one can argue that he hasn’t lost a little off his fastball (“The league is hitting (pause) a 1.80 ERA off of [Chan Ho] Park”), but this is the same guy who called a lazy fly ball to right field, thusly: “…looking up into the powder blue is Ethier, who makes the catch.” Hell, I’d even eschew booze for the evening if it would make Mr. Scully feel more comfortable. Grade: 10/10

Camera/Production: I don’t know if the “X-Mo” super slow motion camera is exclusive to Los Angeles and Orange Counties (the Angels use it, too) but, more teams should spring for the technology. It’s a terrific way to watch replays of hitters making contact and pitchers throwing breaking stuff. An unintentionally hilarious side effect of Scully’s folksy style is listening to him talk over the crappy pre-at bat rap music used by the likes of Dodgers Matt Kemp and James Loney. Grade: 7/10

Homerism: I know that this is reading like a mash note to another man, but if you haven’t heard Scully you’ll have to trust me when I say there’s not a more unbiased broadcaster in the business. He’ll gently chide either side when it’s deserved, yet can still find time to read the following scouting report on Marlins SP Josh Johnson: “Height: 6′7″; Weight: 240 lbs.; Throws: Right and he’s got a little facial hair.” But, just so the praise party doesn’t get completely out of control, we’ll deduct a point since it’s still the Dodgers. Grade: -1

Commerciality: This may get my California citizenship revoked, but I’ve always thought In-n-Out Burger to be WAY overrated. Their commercials are usually just short, simple shots of a Double-Double followed by the “that’s what a hamburger is all about” catchphrase. Based only on their great sales and shoddy ads, I’m not sure why they bother. I’ve long been bugged by that silly “wide-mouthed can…LET’S VENT!” spot for Coors Light. The narrator hypes a “better pour” as one of the can’s benefits, but every actor in the ad is swilling straight from the can.

AFLAC Trivia Question: “Jeff Kent has 16 straight seasons with 10 or more home runs. Who holds the record?” (My answer: Hank Aaron; Correct answer: same) 6.5 for 14

Final Grade: 34

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Harry Kalas (1-3, 7-9 innings) Tom McCarthy (4-6 innings)
Color Commentators: Gary Matthews, Chris “Wheels” Wheeler

The 1994 strike effectively ensured that there’d never be another team like the 1993 Phillies – a mulleted collection of trailer park trash, pot-bellies, neck beards and Kim Batiste. When baseball returned in 1995, the game had irrevocably changed. Simply put, a lot of the fun had been sucked out of the industry as the mainstream media demanded fans accept the self-servingly robotic Cal Ripken, Jr. as our “savior”. From there, baseball sat through the boring corporate championship reigns of the Braves and Yankees, with a bought-n-paid for Marlins run mixed in for kicks. So, a toast to you, Mickey Morandini, Larry Andersen and Dave Hollins. And, f*** you, Curt Schilling.

Chemistry: OK, try’n follow along. Immediately after the Comcast intro, Harry Kalas and Gary Matthews (rockin’ a pretentious Panama Hat) welcomed viewers to the game. Sometime between these three minutes and the first pitch, Matthews was gone and Chris Wheeler assumed the color commentary role without any mention of what Comcast had done with Matthews. Later in the first inning, Tom McCarthy joined us on camera from the stands with a mic in hand…only to pop up in the booth with Matthews (who’d actually joined Kalas in the top of the 3rd inning, with Wheeler leaving) at the start of the 4th inning. Jesus, people. The only satisfaction I took from this car wreck was a quick jot in my notes that read, “Kalas and Wheeler don’t seem to like each other.” Then, while researching this segment, I discovered I was right. Every time Kalas spoke, Wheeler would jump right in with a tone that hinted, “Well, fans, here’s what the old man MEANT to say…” Grade: 1/10

Knowledge: We must find a way to get Gary Matthews his own urban ’70s sitcom. Here were the first words out of his mouth when he got around to joining us in the 3rd, “I’ve always said good pitching stops good hitting.” Really? That was you, Gary? Someone should trademark those never-before-heard words, immediately. Other jive-time Gary gems, “That’s altogether a lot different.”; “The Griffeys are the only dad/father combination to go back-to-back.”; “My first pro team was in Decatur, Illi-noise.” Kalas has obviously seen a lot of baseball in his 200 years, but he adds nothing beyond several oddly-placed birthday wishes. McCarthy is actually very good and was the first to suspect that Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins had been removed from this game for lack of hustle. Grade: 3/10

Enthusiasm: Maybe someone from Philadelphia can clue me in on why Comcast just doesn’t go with a McCarthy/Wheeler booth. In a town that gets off on describing itself as the most passionate collection of sports fans on earth, these two do the best job of capturing the city’s doughy, triple-chinned posturing. Kalas’ 21-year-old great-great grandson sang the National Anthem for this game and, afterwards, there was a palpable pride in his voice. Sadly, that was as jazzed as he’d be all day. M’man Matthews needs to quit mimicking ESPN’s Emmitt Smiff – shouting isn’t the same as “excited”. Grade: 3/10

Bar Stool Q: As much fun as Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman seemed to be having in Weekend at Bernie’s (timely!) I can’t say I’d enjoy an evening out with the Honorable Harry Kalas. As for Wheeler, everyone called him “Wheels” during the broadcast, which leads me to believe he gave himself that lazy nickname and insists that’s what he be called on the air. Matthews doesn’t have much going for him, either: his son plays for the hated Angels, he’s a terrible broadcaster, but, he was the featured guest on an episode of The Baseball Bunch back in the day. Nope, can’t do it. I’m sure his “steppin’ out” threads include several faux gold ropes, tight seersucker slacks and white patent leather shoes – all of which have been observed on my recently-divorced dad. Grade: 1/10

Camera/Production: Things were perfectly acceptable from the production truck. In fact, this game featured several moments where immediate highlights from previous games between the Reds and Phillies were needed for reference. They came right up whenever a point needed to be made, such as the difficulty with tracking fly balls in the outfield at Citizens Bank Park or a minor defensive adjustment for Phillies C Carlos Ruiz since his last start. Grade: 6/10

Homerism: Kalas is famously deadpan whenever the Phillies’ opponent scores a run or makes a great play. It’s been a part of his schtick since the beginning of time, so I’ll give him a partial pass. Matthews seems to moisten at the mere mention of Jimmy Rollins, but saved my favorite hyperbole for 3B Pedro Feliz, whom he dubbed “vacuum cleaner”. Oh, yeah…Brooks Robinson…Pedro F’n Feliz. Good to see the links in that Hall of Fame chain continue. Grade: -7

Commerciality: The makers of Herr’s Potato Chips embrace the greasy, messy quality of their product. Those old Pringles commercials that made oily potato chips seem repulsive can kiss my Black ass. Mitch Williams(!) is apparently a part of the Phillies postgame show, but he stars in an unfunny rip-off of that Bud Light “dude” campaign – which I happened to like, believe it or not.

Dodge Stump the Fans: “What year was baseball’s first amateur draft?” (My answer: 1965; Correct answer: same) Didn’t I tell you how often derivatives of this question were asked…? 7.5 8 for 15

Final Grade: 7

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Dan McLaughlin
Color Commentator: Al Hrabosky

OK…on the one hand, I’m one of those that believe St. Louis just might be the best baseball town in America. On the other hand, the sheer number of grubby panhandlers who accosted me outside new Busch Stadium before and after the game is something that’s rarely reported during Baseball Tonight’s fellatio of the city. I think Tony LaRussa is a Hall of Fame manager, but his introduction of bullpen micromanagement in the late ’80s has slowed the game to a crawl and helped turn off a generation of fans. I think Mark McGwire belongs in the Hall of Fame, too, but I can’t help but take some pleasure in the public downfall of a player who took great pleasure in painting the Oakland A’s into a corner with his pending free agency in 1997. Boy, I can carry a grudge.

Chemistry: McLaughlin and Hrabosky were all over the map on this evening. They sounded like old chums as McLaughlin was teasing Hrabosky about all the text messages he receives from his pal, former Cards OF “Jimmy” Edmonds. At other times, Hrabosky would barely acknowledge his partner. McLaughlin spoon fed a set-up on Braves SP Mike Hampton’s mechanics for Hrabosky to dissect, but he offered only some gruff nonsense on Hampton’s need to go back to “that football mentality”. Early on, there was a brief disagreement between the two over who Albert Pujols hit his first home run against (Armando Reynoso or Randy Johnson). In case you’re wondering, it was Reynoso. Their speaking styles (McLaughlin’s energetic, Hrabosky often sounds mildly annoyed) actually work well together, but I’m not entirely sure that the men behind them do. Grade: 5.5/10

Knowledge: The Mad Hungarian seems content to regurgitate the media stat sheet in all of its small sample size glory. After a home run by the Braves’ Omar Infante, Hrabosky provided a real-time update on Infante’s numbers over the last handful of games. Fantasy players must love this guy! I guess I shouldn’t complain, since Hrabosky’s clumsy attempt to decipher baseball’s post-trade deadline waiver wire rules was comically confusing. Unfortunately, a good chunk of the early innings were spent kibitzing over the trades that were made earlier in the day (while simultaneously lamenting the Cardinals failure to land a left-handed reliever). That was some quality not-talking-about-strategy time we viewers missed. Grade: 5/10

Enthusiasm: Hrabosky seemed positively energized when the discussion took an odd, out-of-place turn towards the then-unresolved Brett Favre melodrama. Later, ol’ Al got all riled up over the MLB schedule makers. As of July 31, the Cardinals had yet to play a game at Wrigley Field. As Hrabosky put it, “Well, it’s not like [the Cubs] are in our division. I’m facetiously saying that.” Uh oh…he’s winning me over! McLaughlin is just caffeinated enough to briskly carry the proceedings without ever going too far over the top. Hell, he seems just as bemused by Hrabosky’s cantankerous nature as the rest of us. Grade: 6/10

Bar Stool Q: Hrabosky played during the entire decade of the 1970s – a time that has spawned about a billion books on the game’s rampant drug culture and amoral values. Suffice it to say…I’m buyin’ him a beer. McLaughlin gives off that corporate sheen and would probably snitch to his superiors if he saw us with any non-Busch beer product in our hands. That’s a “5″ for Al and a “0″ for Dan. Don’t blame me, St. Louis. Grade: 5/10

Camera/Production: Pujols’ first big league hit was against Mike Hampton and the truck was ready with the highlights as Albert stepped to the plate. Unfortunately, I don’t have a note on the context, but some ancient clips of former Cards 2B Jose Oquendo pitching four innings (and getting the decision!) against the Braves in 1988 were shown, too. There were a few too many shots of Genius LaRussa and his big brain from the dugout, but otherwise nothing too intrusive. Grade: 5/10

Homerism: Both McLaughlin and Hrabosky jumped all over Cardinals SP Joel Piñeiro for handing runs back to an opponent after St. Louis gave him the lead. They made mention of this happening before with Piñeiro and it was refreshing to hear this kind of candor on a telecast. They also came this close to calling out the front office for their failure to act at the trade deadline. Stick it to the man, guys. Bravo. Grade: -2

Commerciality: I don’t live in St. Louis, but I do own a degree in marketing. I can say with confidence that Schnucks is the worst name I’ve ever heard for a supermarket chain, including those with the words “Piggly” or “Wiggly”. I’ve never been to a Steak n’ Shake and their cornball commercials aren’t exactly enticing me to find one the next time I’m out there. Besides, dairy products turned heel on my digestive tract about five years ago, so I don’t care how slowly they make their shakes. There’s a “Cardinals Clinic” in Chesterfield, MO featuring quote – former Cardinals greats – unquote, John Mabry and Scott Terry. And, just to spit in my eye, Hardee’s has a new strawberry biscuit, while Jack in the Box counters with biscuits and gravy. Only in the Midwest, of course. Dammit.

AFLAC Trivia Question: None. Don’t you people realize I’m writing a 30-part feature for my lightly-read blog here?! That’s a half-point paddlin’, FSN-Midwest.

Final Grade: 24.5 24

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Dave Niehaus (Innings 1-3); Dave Sims (Innings 4-9)
Color Commentator: Mike Blowers
Rally Fry Girl: Cara Capuano (mildly attractive in-game correspondent who hands out french fries to parasites who bring signs begging for free food)

Niehaus was inducted into the broadcaster’s wing of the Hall of Fame this past July. According to the M’s website, he has called 4,817 of the 4,899 games the team has played in its entire history. Blowers played in the bigs for 11 seasons (including four with Seattle), but I’ll always remember him for his 1998 campaign with my A’s. Oakland trotted out Blowers, Dave Magadan(!) and Ed Sprague(!!) at 3B that year before finally calling up Eric Chavez to cease the misery. Eric Chavez “saving” the A’s. Damn, that was a long time ago.

Chemistry: Niehaus is like a LOT of other aging broadcasters who are locally beloved for their familiarity with listeners, while no longer much of a talent. His crusty old-school schtick is a two-car crash on the microphone with the meandering, mumbling Blowers. In the second inning, the running (off-)topics of conversation were: the New York media, Keith Hernandez, cheesecake and Canada. Sims and Blowers mesh a little better together, but Sims – tragically – appears to have been born without a personality. Grade: 4/10

Knowledge: Blowers enjoyed some success in his career against SP Kenny Rogers (who started for the Tigers in this game) and relayed some neat little gems regarding how to hit him. Blowers also was surprisingly informative as he outlined the changes a defense makes behind a famously good fielder like Rogers. Niehaus and Sims simply call what’s in front of them. Although, I’d be remiss if I didn’t share Niehaus’ call of a Kenji Johjima groundout (“Easy play. (pause) Renteria will throw him out.”) or a Curtis Granderson strikeout (“Nice pitch.” (Long pause/no follow-up)). Grade: 5/10

Enthusiasm: Sadly, I didn’t get to hear one of Niehaus’ screaming home run calls for the Mariners. It’s probably a good thing, as I’m still not sure how the old guy gets a pass for inanity like “Get out the rye bread and the mustard, it’s grand salami time!” Dave Sims got a longball, though. His “…it’s a no-doubt-abouter…!” bit needs work. I’m fairly certain Blowers nodded off around the fifth or sixth inning. Grade: 4/10

Bar Stool Q: Well, Sims is Black, so we’ve got that in common. Not many of us left that can talk baseball at a comprehensible level. And, yes, that includes ESPN’s Eric “Emmitt Smith” Young. We learned during the broadcast that Blowers is a big fan of barbecued ribs (and lots of other things unrelated to baseball), so he could keep up with my wings eating. Niehaus would need a separate stool at the bar – far, far away – so that he could drink his sarsaparilla in peace. Grade: 6.5/10

Camera/Production: FSN-Northwest used lots of patriotic music into and out of commercial breaks in honor of July 4th. Yankee Doodle Dandy? The Girl I Left Behind Me? Ugh…this was the equivalent of those pandering American flag lapel pins to my ears and I never want to hear…hey, Lex Luger’s theme music! Sadly, Niehaus refers to the song by its original name. The starting line-up graphics blew by so fast that Blowers had to wake up and speak at a normal rate. Grade: 4/10

Homerism: Muted. Niehaus isn’t overbearingly biased when the score is low and close, so my ear drums survived in tact. Sims made a passing reference to a recent controversy involving M’s starting pitcher Erik Bedard and his reluctance to throw more than 100 pitches per start. It really sounded like he was going to take Bedard to task, before gently applying the breaks. Blowers was born in Germany. The discussion on that subject covered the bottom of the third inning. Grade: -3.5

Commerciality: Banner Bank, Safeco Investments and the usual marketing-to-guys spots (beer, cars). The M’s do have a pretty funny ad campaign of their own, but during this disastrous 2008 campaign, I can’t imagine too many people laughing.

AFLAC Trivia Question: “How many 4th of July games has Safeco Field hosted?” (My answer: 4, Correct answer: 3) 5 for 12

Final Grade: 20

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Dick Bremer
Color Commentator: Bert Blyleven
Ummm…”Telly”?: Telly Hughes
Uncomfortable Looking Ex-Player in an Ill-Fitting Suit: Ron Coomer

I’ve never really had much love for the Twins. In 2002, they bounced my A’s out of the postseason in five games and then absolutely laid down for the hated Angels. 11 years earlier, they ruined the storybook season of the not-yet-insufferable Atlanta Braves, costing Steve Avery, Deion Sanders and Dhalsim Nixon their shots at World Series rings. That ‘91 Series also featured Twins SP Jack Morris’ famous Game Seven performance, which is often mentioned as his entire inane Hall of Fame argument. Yeah, yeah…”winningest pitcher of the 1980s”! Fun fact: Dave Stieb had the second most wins in the ’80s and, at his peak, was a much better pitcher than Morris ever was. Zing!

Chemistry: Bremer and Blyleven are quite the amiable arrangement. Bremer was born and raised in the Gopher State. His pleasant delivery and slightly nasal Midwestern twang make for an authentic Minnesota sound. Blyleven had long ago cemented his goofball reputation during his playing days and is as much of a natural on camera now as he was in 1990, when he filmed a cameo for Jim Belushi’s Taking Care of Business. (This, of course, was part of an odd 18-month arc from 1989-90 in which Belushi tried to position himself as “family friendly” with films like K-9 and Mr. Destiny) I’m not sure their style would play as well in Capitol City, but there are few combos who reflect their home market as well as these two. And, there’s NO way either would be as effective away from the other. Grade: 9/10

Knowledge: Sorry, Twins fans, but I remember Blyleven mostly from his 1989-91 stint with the California Angels – especially his excellent first season in Anaheim and how he nearly carried the Halos into the playoffs. Not surprisingly, his breakdown of the spin on a curveball (Bert’s best pitch) that turned into a wild pitch was terrifically detailed. He opened the game with a strong, relevant scouting report on SP Livan Hernandez and later chimed in with good analysis of SP Andy Pettitte’s ability to control the running game. Bert’s less sure when it comes to hitting, but that’s a minor nit. Bremer, on the other hand, read straight from the on-screen graphics and added little beyond the call of the game. Grade: 7/10

Enthusiasm: Folks in this part of the country simply don’t do enthusiasm. It’s a little jarring to hear so much dead air when the game is already being played within the confines of an airplane hangar, but both Bremer and Blyleven call the game in a plain, straightforward style (even Bert’s comic relief is freeze-dried). When the Twins made a nice play or scored a run, the broadcasters’ voice inflections showed it, but their well-worn rocking chair style could use a bit more oomph. Grade: 5/10

Bar Stool Q: Blyleven got into a bit of hot water when he inadvertently uttered an expletive over the air. His potty mouth gets him in the door with me, while the potential for poop from the one movie he did intrigues me even more. I mean, really, how did Loryn Locklin NOT become a star?! Bremer appears to be a wonderful gentleman and all, but he seems more at home MCing a Little League banquet at Tim Horton’s. Grade: 5.5/10

Camera/Production: Give FSN-North points for including pre-recorded in-game thoughts from Twins coaches on how to play the Yankees, but it was often intrusive and the cameras were late to return to the action on a couple of occasions. I’m still not sure what purpose Telly Hughes served, other than guiding the extremely awkward Ron Coomer through the reminiscing of Coomer’s playing career. Grade: 4.5/10

Homerism: Even with the Yankees in town, Bremer and Blyleven rolled out the broadcast welcome mat for the evil empire and refused to play into the “heroic underdog” mentality. It sounds like a little thing, but you’d be surprised how often this pandering tactic is used on local TV when New York is in town. The two played up the home team, certainly, but without ever throwing it in our face. Grade: -3

Commerciality: Quite the smorgasbord of awesome, including a spot for Kent Hrbek’s Outdoors show. I could watch him kill innocent animals with a bow & arrow for hours. A local brand called Cub Foods sponsors “Fantastic Fridays” at the Metrodome with the enticement of free milk or orange juice coupons in certain sections! Finally, an ad for Cenex Propane had everything but Hank Hill and his “taste the meat, not the heat” tagline.

AFLAC Trivia Question: Hmmm…it seems I omitted it from my notes. Nice. I write down Blyleven’s Ed Whitson joke, even though no one under 35 will get it, but I forget something that’s an actual piece of this damn feature. I’ll have to think of one on the fly, here…uhh, who did the Twins receive in exchange for former All-Star Chuck Knoblauch? I know Eric Milton was part of that deal, right? That’s all I got.

Final Grade: 28

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Ken “Hawk” Harrelson
Color Commentator: Darrin Jackson

This should be fun. Harrelson is almost universally despised by baseball fans and considered the biggest “homer” broadcaster in any sport. You’ve surely heard his “You can put it on the board, YES!” home run calls or his repeated references to the White Sox as “the good guys”. For years, he shared the booth with Tom “Wimpy” Paciorek – another unabashed cheerleader – who was replaced in 2001 with former Southsider, Darrin “DJ” Jackson – the laziest nickname in sports.

Chemistry: Well, I guess it’s unavoidable. There are actually some aspects of a baseball broadcast in which Harrelson and Jackson excel. Hawk is almost all schtick and Jackson plays a great, understated straight man. I say this even accounting for a sixth inning sidebar into their respective golf games and DJ literally shrieking like a vulture during a discussion on relief pitchers who sometimes back into wins. DJ is several notches beneath Paciorek in his interaction with Harrelson, but the current broadcast team is definitely on the same page. Grade: 8/10

Knowledge: Harrelson spent some time discussing how well a few A’s had hit Sox starter Mark Buehrle and making it seem like Kurt Suzuki’s lifetime 4 for 6 meant something. Sample size, Hawk, sample size. As the A’s extended their lead throughout the game, both broadcasters stopped breaking the game down (which they hadn’t been doing much of) and started whining about the umpiring. DJ did have some insightful words on how outfielders track a flyball, but hurt his own point by using the phrase “…long, gaping [sic] strides…” to describe a player running. Grade: 4/10

Enthusiasm: In an A’s blowout win, Hawk and DJ kept a sock in it, for the most part. I hadn’t listened to them all season, but I was surprised by how much dead air there is between them during a game. On more than one occasion, a couple of pitches would pass before either one said a word. By the last out, it seemed like no one was taking the loss worse than them. I’m torn here. I know that these guys are a “10″ in this department during a Sox win. Let’s split the difference. Grade: 5/10

Bar Stool Q: Jackson’s playing career ran concurrently with my first stretch of baseball infatuation (starting in the late 1980s). The fact that he didn’t play in the bigs from 1995-96 (during my waning interest in the game, post 1994 strike) further endears him to me. As for the Hawk, he seems like the type that would have us thrown out after grabbing the server’s ass on the heels of six Scotch bender. Then, he’d feel bad and buy us all lap dances down the street, before getting us thrown out of there, too. What can I say? I’ve got friends like that, now. Grade: 8/10

Camera/Production: It might’ve been due to the holiday, but there were a TON of crowd shots of fans decked out in patriotic gear. A little too many for my taste and almost always without any reaction from the broadcasters. Someone on the production team also left a mic open that was close to home plate, thereby picking up a bunch of inane heckling from someone who had to have paid $200 for his seat. Douche. Grade: 3/10

Homerism: Umm, yeah. Seriously, I counted…Hawk dropped his first reference to “we” as it relates to the White Sox at four seconds into the broadcast. DJ followed with an “our”. Repeat, to varying degrees of annoyance, over nine innings. Grade: -10

Commerciality: The good people at White Castle offer up a “sack of 10″ giveaway, which sounds awesome enough for even me to enter. The Sox have an in-house ad campaign that’s harmlessly amusing.

AFLAC Trivia Question: Damn it. I watched the whole game, but don’t have anything in my notes on the question. And, I know that there was one and that I got it right. So, in interest of fairness to me, I’ll come up with my own question: “Before the Nick Swisher deal, who was involved in the last trade between the A’s and the White Sox”? Honestly, I’m just guessing here, but I’ll say Ray Durham (and others) in 2002. After a quick check, I see that I had the year right, but I was a few months off. It was Keith Foulke (to the A’s) for Billy Koch. I’ll give myself half a point here. 5.5 for 13

Final Grade: 18

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Brian Anderson
Color Commentator: Bill Schroeder
Long name. Not a natural blonde.: Trenni Kusnierek
Studio Hosts? For the Brewers?!: Jeff Grayson & Jeff Cirillo

I work with someone who is the biggest Brewers fan this side of all those still-burning Brett Favre shrines in Wisconsin. Along with my African-American wife from Utah, I think it’s safe to say that I’m well ahead of the rest of you in the obscure scavenger hunt of life. I’m actually glad to see the Brewers enjoying a long overdue renaissance as their early 80s Harvey’s Wallbangers teams were some of the best than no one remembers. Of course, I’m as guilty of selective memory as anyone. For me, the Brew Crew will always be about Gary Sheffield and Beckett Baseball Card Monthly’s “Cold List” and Greg Vaughn, ummm…”somehow” turning fat into muscle – hitting 40-50 home runs per season after leaving Milwaukee.

Chemistry: Anderson is practically invisible. He’s calls an alright game, I guess, but the only time he shows a lick of personality in his interactions with Schroeder is when he’s forcing out a fake laugh at one of Schroeder’s simplistic attempts at humor. In this game, Schroeder kept repeating that new Brewer 2B Ray Durham had to break out the “rust remover” for his swing after being inactive for a week and a half. Anderson finally gave him a giggle just to shut him up. The Brewers are a fun team to watch, so it’s not like the announcers need to be the show. Grade: 5/10

Knowledge: With a runner on and Cards’ CF Rick Ankiel at the plate, FSN showed a graphic outlining how the Brewers had shut down the heart of the St. Louis order for the first three games of this series. Schroeder immediately jumped on that and warned viewers that the Cardinals were too good for their struggles to continue. On the next pitch, Ankiel rapped an RBI single. He mentioned that the Brewers had been getting Ankiel out up in the zone, but this mistake from SP Ben Sheets was down and away. Schroeder was even sharper when he wondered aloud why Cardinals RF Ryan Ludwick was playing Sheets so deep on a bloop from the Brewers pitcher that almost fell in. Schroeder used the words “increased confidence” about 200 times too many to explain away achievement, but that’s to be expected from an ex-player. If only Anderson had uttered anything worth remembering. Grade: 6/10

Enthusiasm: Both guys are graduates from that Midwestern Broadcasting School of Leisurely Pacing and Dairy Farming. In a taut, back-and-forth game, it was hard to tell that these weren’t still the bumbling Brewers of the last 15 years. If anything, I would’ve thought that calling a game in arguably the best baseball town in America (with Milwaukee taking the first three of four) would add a spark to their call. However, only with occasional exception did Anderson and Schroeder capture the drama inherent in the journey of a team that’s approaching the precipice of something special. Grade: 4/10

Bar Stool Q: Schroeder has the gruff, husky sound of a man who’s embraced the Wisconsin existence wholeheartedly. There’s no telling what could be on his breath at any time and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to learn that he can polish off a plate of sausages in just one inning. Anderson, on the other hand, reminds me of those guys who are all too eager to be the designated driver just so they have someone to hang out with for the evening. Grade: 5/10

Camera/Production: Throughout the game, Schroeder’s microphone seemed to drift in and out with pockets of audible static coming through. This was just a minor annoyance, but I was surprised that it went unacknowledged by the broadcasters during the entire game. On the plus side, FSN-Wisconsin uses the same slightly elevated centerfield camera shot as NESN, which I dig tremendously. But, back to the minus side, the entire fourth inning turned into a bizarre career achievement celebration for Brewers coach and former All-Star Ted Simmons – hosted by Trenni Kusnierek. Sorry, but a man approaching 60 should never be referred to as “Simba”. Grade: 5/10

Homerism: What Anderson and Schroeder lack in enthusiasm, they make up for in cockiness. They talked about all the problems Brewers manager Ned Yost had with having “too many good players” and not enough spots to play everyone. I’ll give them credit for correctly mocking the Cards for carrying (at the time) 13 pitchers, but they beat that horse to death in just half an inning and framed it to make it look like the Brewers would never do that, because they know what they’re doing. Grade: -6.5

Commerciality: Piggly Wiggly has poured some insane sponsorship dollars into the broadcast. Their “Tailgate Tip” featured a portabella-gorgonzola stuffed sirloin that should ensure Wisconsin’s place on America’s… fittest cities?! Piggly Wiggly also owns the scouting report feature or, as Schroeder put it, “The Pig wants to remind us…” Lots of Miller Beer spots, including the ones with that jive-talking beer delivery guy who “punishes” white folk by taking their Miller High Life. Potawatomi Casino’s tagline (“We’ve doubled down on your chances…for excitement!“) made my night. And, hey, guess who the Kentucky Fried Chicken “Who’s Hot” player was? Yep, Ray Durham. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halle-loo! Halle-loo! Halle-loo-YAH!

AFLAC Trivia Question: “How old was Ted Simmons when he debuted for the Cardinals in 1968?” (My answer: 23; Correct answer: 19) 5 for 11

Final Grade: 18.5

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Josh Lewin
Color Commentator: Tom Grieve
In-Game Tapeworm: Jim Knox

Lewin is more famous here in San Diego for being the play-by-play voice of the Chargers, while Grieve was the General Manager of the Rangers for a time and is the father of fizzled-out phenom, Ben Grieve – who had exactly ONE notable baseball skill: his sweet swing. That’s not to be confused with actually, y’know, hitting the ball. Ol’ Ben was the monarch of the on-deck circle, though.

Chemistry: Lewin and Grieve are actually a LOT better than I remember. Lewin’s voice is vibrantly energetic and meshes well with Grieve’s curmudgeonly tone. Around the 3rd inning, Grieve absolutely lit up – for him, anyway – during an odd discussion of favorite John Wayne movies. Obviously, he lost me (African-American, born after 1940) and Lewin begged off, as well, but the whole thing was endearing in an addled, Abe Simpson sort of way. Grade: 8.5/10

Knowledge: Wow…now I wish I hadn’t been so fast with the “addled” adjective. Grieve is terrific at breaking down the minutiae for the casual fan. He analyzed and explained the effectiveness of A’s RP Keith Foulke’s goofy delivery. He outlined the differences between Rangers starting pitcher Kevin Millwood’s follow through before and after he went on the disabled list (this game was his first start back) and, most impressively, he walked viewers through easy-to-understand reasons behind Phillies 2B Chase Utley’s power surge this season. Lewin doesn’t embarrass himself, either and wisely defers to Grieve to talk to the “how”. Grade: 9/10

Enthusiasm: Lewin isn’t quite a screamer, but he’s right at the dividing line when it comes to exciting plays for the home team. Both of them got a little too giggly over a guy in the stands who bore more than a passing resemblance to Rangers shortstop Michael Young. My A’s lost the game and both broadcasters excitedly went on and on about how a sweep would put the Rangers in second place ahead of Oakland. On May 30. Grade: 6.5/10

Bar Stool Q: Lewin was often funny and self-effacing, so I’d have no problem splitting wings and pitchers with him. Grieve knows his stuff, but seems more like the guy who’d tell the party in the next booth to pipe down during the National Anthem and bitch about the $8.95 asking price for potato skins (“I can make these at home!”). On the plus side, Tom’s son, Ben, would most likely be tasked with showing us to our table. Grade: 6/10

Camera/Production: There was nothing too notable either way. A hee-yuge picture-in-picture graphic during a baserunner advance on a sac fly blocked out way too much of the screen. But, this was more than made up by an onscreen homage to the 1984 Topps set, as a baseball card-like graphic popped on screen regarding whichever Ranger was “hot” at that moment. Grade: 5/10

Homerism: Lewin and Grieve were surprisingly balanced with no more cheerleading than you’d expect from the home town team. Since Oakland lost, I was ready to deduct one point on principle. Unfortunately, the broadcast crew also includes Jim Knox, whose sole purpose is to interview fans in the stands during the game. I shouldn’t have to “mute” a baseball game, Jim. Grade: -5

Commerciality: Surprising to see a state with as rich a Hispanic history as Texas gets those Taco Cabana ads featuring an extremely cheesy Spanish-accented voiceover. A couple of spots for Whataburger did nothing for me, but maybe they’d consider dredging up this mildly offensive ad campaign. Wasn’t he in Cannonball Run?

AFLAC Trivia Question: Which Hall of Fame outfielder had the lowest career batting average? (My answer: Reggie Jackson; Correct answer: same) 5 for 10

Final Grade: 30

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Don Orsillo
Color Commentator: Jerry Remy
Hotter’n 100 Hazel Maes: Heidi Watney

About 20 years ago, the rivalry between the Red Sox and my A’s was about as fierce as any in baseball. Longtime Oakland fans like me have heard about (or maybe even watched) the nationally televised Monday Night Baseball game in 1986 in which Dave Stewart – a bargain-basement reclamation project – defeated eventual Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens. Stew would go on to compile a 9-1 record in head-to-head contests vs. Clemens, including the postseason. I miss those Sox teams. Where have you gone Carlos Quintana, Tom Brunansky and Mike Smithson?

Chemistry: Orsillo and Remy have been together since 2001 and theirs is a fine two-man balancing act. Remy, the former Red Sox second baseman, has been in the NESN booth for 20 years and with his New England accent, disheveled posture and jowly countenance, it’s no wonder he’s held in such high regard, locally. At least once a game, Orsillo and Remy spin an anecdote about a personal experience in some random nearby suburb (in this game, it had to do with Orsillo’s commute to Fenway from Smithfield, Rhode Island) and all of its “great Red Sox fans”. Considering how television broadcasts are merely a means of (eventually) marketing as much moolah out of the fans as possible, the pandering here at least serves a purpose. Grade: 8/10

Knowledge: There are a lot of ex-player/color commentators who half-ass their role, collect a paycheck and offer nothing in the way of relevant or interesting analysis. In the case of Remy, someone would need to spot him half an ass to reach this embarrassingly low bar. He had some salient points about Red Sox SP Clay Buchholz and the unrealistic expectations after Buchholz’s 2007 no hitter, but for most of the game, he was reading right from pre-game press stat sheets and media guides. I get that he’s there to mostly lend some local credibility to the proceedings and that Sox fans would just as soon watch a walrus in Remy’s role (hey, separated at birth!), but it was still a disappointment. Orsillo is way too reverent to Remy and he spent the game feeding Remy set-ups to simply regurgitate over an instant replay. Grade: 3/10

Enthusiasm: In Remy’s defense, he is capable of getting spun up as well as any other middle-aged white man. There was a grotesquely blown call at first base involving SS Julio Lugo that had Remy moaning in agony and loudly lamenting, “…if only we had replay.” His “fan’s passion” is evident just about every time he opens his mouth, whether he’s dropping his deadpan SAP catchphrase (“Buenos noches, amigos!”) or reading one of the million in-game NESN promos. Orsillo is nicely measured and, thankfully, won’t give in to hyperbolic calls or contrived drama. Grade: 7/10

Bar Stool Q: I spent one night in Boston back in 2005 and I’d put their bar scene right up there with anyone’s in the nation. Can’t say that I’d want to kill an entire evening with Orsillo and (sigh) “RemDawg”, though. Then again, Remy was elected (no, seriously…) as the first president of Red Sox Nation. I assume that comes with a Secret Service detail (“Aren’t you Mo Vaughn?”) and immediate VIP access within, oh, let’s say…the Electric Blue Café. And, Mr. President, can you look into overturning this recent decision by the local government? We, as a society, should be bringing business together, not pushing them apart. Grade: 2.5/10

Camera/Production: NESN uses an odd, elevated centerfield camera angle from pitch-to-pitch. I remember that ESPN used a more exaggerated version of this in 2001 for baseball and, after numerous complaints, switched back to the standard CF camera. It took an inning or two to get used to, but NESN’s approach gives better perspective to breaking balls and a truer look into what the hitter sees. They had lots of replays, from all sorts of angles, on a fan interference non-call off a Sean Casey double and, as mentioned, the Lugo blown call at first got the same thorough treatment. My favorite moment came during an in-game segment with Heidi Watney, though. Two women in the seats behind her saw themselves on camera and immediately started kissing. Giggedy. Grade: 9/10

Homerism: Remy’s about what you’d expect from someone with such strong ties to the Red Sox. He knows who butters his bread, but, like Orsillo, his leanings are usually woven well within the context of the fact that there are two teams on the field. As a result, the compliments and criticisms flow back and forth for both teams, if not always in equal amounts. Grade: -5.5

Commerciality: Hoo boy, where to begin?! Remy’s awesomely awful “air guitar/I’m not a rock stah” spot for Sovereign Bank had me reaching for the rewind button. My new best friends at something called Stop & Shop were giving away ten 32-ounce Gatorades for only $10, while I’m guessing that Xtra Mart moved a lot more of their pre-made sandwiches in their commercial than anyone would ever eat in real life. The Yankees/Red Sox scratch game with the dueling bobbleheads on either shoulder was kind of clever, but all of the in-house spots for Sox Appeal were, well…whatever the opposite of “clever” is. Multiplied by, like, a jillion.

AFLAC Trivia Question: There wasn’t one! C’mon, NESN. You’ll sell ad time to the dual sponsored “Olympia Sports Presents the Boston Globe Pre-Game Show”, but nothing for the duck? You know the drill.

Final Grade: 24 23.5

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Glen Kuiper
Color Commentator: Ray Fosse
Token Girl Near the Dugout: Jaymee Sire

As most of y’all know, in spite of my unabashed adoration for the A’s, I’ve never lived in the Bay Area. As a result, I don’t have any sepia-toned romantic attachments to their past broadcasters. Through old VHS season highlight tapes, I know that Lon Simmons’ “Tell it goodbye!” home run calls were the standard for the late 80s/early 90s team. And, the late Bill King’s “Holy Toledo!” catchphrase ruled the A’s radio airwaves until his death in 2005. I say all this to demonstrate how I actually can be unbiased about a game that involves the goddamm Angels.

Chemistry: Kuiper and Fosse have been a full time duo since the start of last year. They play off of each other pretty well, but Kuiper doesn’t do a good enough job of driving the broadcast. Kuiper defers to Fosse way too much, letting the former A’s catcher prattle on with his uncomplicated analysis. In the 4th inning of this game, A’s starter Justin Duchscherer put two runners on, slowing the pace of the game to a crawl, which was made worse by the amount of dead air in the booth. Say something, Glen! Grade: 6/10

Knowledge: Fosse’s strength as a color commentator lies almost exclusively with his insights on catcher footwork, positioning and pitch recognition. He’s surprisingly just OK in breaking down other aspects of the game, often stating the obvious or simply narrating a replay for the viewer. Kuiper seems almost reluctant to overstep his play-by-play boundaries which, to a point, is understandable, but a more frequent dialogue with Fosse doesn’t necessarily have to be a debate. Grade: 5.5/10

Enthusiasm: A’s LF Jack Cust hit one out and was serenaded with one of Kuiper’s typically unpolished home run calls (“That baby’s hit well aaaaaaaand GONE!”). Kuiper’s voice lacks real urgency, though and he doesn’t tailor his delivery to convey tension or drama. Fosse probably loves the A’s a little too much, but the liveliest he got here was several seconds of howling laughter when he found out that Supercuts was sponsoring the Dick Williams bobblehead promotion later that month. Supercuts? But, the 1970s A’s didn’t GET haircuts! Get it?! Grade: 5.5/10

Bar Stool Q: I actually met Fosse on an elevator in Anaheim during the summer of ‘99. I’ve had my fill, thank you. It’s not that he’s not a nice guy (he is)…it’s just that he’s an old school ex-ballplayer who I’m sure still subscribes to the cone of silence policy outside the clubhouse. I mean, if I can’t get the poop on those psychedelic ’70s A’s teams, what’s the point in buying him a beer? Kuiper’s clearly a company man, too, but since his company is my company, he can come along. Grade: 4.5/10

Camera/Production: The on-field microphone (pretty sure it’s on the screen, behind home plate) didn’t appear to be on for the first few innings. A’s crowds aren’t big, but they’re loud and with all the dead air, it was like listening in on a morgue, at times. The number of crowd shots (mostly of fans wearing giveaway Dave Stewart jerseys) got tedious, quickly. Points though for the “flashback” segment that featured Mark McGwire’s 1992 Home Run Derby eruption. Personally, a fun memory and made more enjoyable since the broadcasters raved about his strength and power without mentioning the elephant in the room. Grade: 4/10

Homerism: Fosse isn’t as bad as the Angels’ Rex Hudler, but, then again, the Wonder Dog is in a class by himself. In the fifth inning, Duchscherer was obviously getting squeezed by the home plate umpire, yet on one pitch that missed the corner by a good six inches, Fosse exasperatedly sighed, “I don’t know where THAT was.” Earlier in the game, the first few innings of Fosse and Kuiper were an extended oral resume of Duchscherer’s All-Star credentials (“I don’t know HOW he’s lost five games!”) Grade: -6.5

Commerciality: The A’s “100% Baseball” ad campaign isn’t as clever as in past seasons, but my son gets a kick out of it. The recruiting spots for the Contra Costa Sheriff’s Department were…quite something. And, the new “Get Your Smokey On” commercials is another fine marketing moment of African-American slang getting manipulated…10 years after everyone stopped saying it.

AFLAC Trivia Question: “Which A’s pitchers won 20+ games with Oakland in more than one season?” (My answer: Dave Stewart, Catfish Hunter, Vida Blue; Correct answer: same) Pfft…challenge me, AFLAC 4 for 9

Final Grade: 19

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Jaime Campbell
Color Commentator: Rance Mulliniks

From what I can gather, Rogers SportsNet is the very loose equivalent to Fox Sports Net for Canada. More specifically, they’re competing with TSN, which ESPN owns a stake in and airs a nationally-branded Sportscenter. If you’re not confused yet, know that RSN (the one ESPN doesn’t partially own) airs the ESPN feed of Sunday Night Baseball. OK, then. Quite honestly, the thing I’m most looking forward to are the commercials. I discovered Canada’s delicious secret – Ketchup Flavored Lay’s Potato Chips – during my 2006 family vacation in Vancouver and I’m hopeful they’ll get some deserved ad time.

Chemistry: For those scoring at home, Campbell is Canadian and Mulliniks spent 10 years with the Blue Jays as a third baseman/spare part. Both are so unspeakably bland that they almost accidentally make it work in the same way a two scoop vanilla cone is often tastier than it looks. There was a reference to 18th century folk band The Mamas and the Papas (“California Dreamin”, I think) that appeared to get them both gushy on the air. Later, an impromptu lesson on staying square when bunting turned into a “hip to be square” joke. You could almost hear them high-fiving each other for getting that one in. On an unrelated note, I’ve never felt Blacker in my life. Grade: 6/10

Knowledge: Both Campbell and Mulliniks read right from the media stat sheet that’s often included with the price of a program (“Garret Anderson is 8 for his last 38″, etc.). Mulliniks also mispronounced “Izturis” for the whole game, calling him “Izzituris” (instead of “ITZ-tur-is”). I mean, I get that it’s not “Smith”, but come on. I could’ve done without the usual David Eckstein pro-small ball nonsense, but the little pixie was playing in Anaheim for the first time since he left as a free agent, so I’ll allow it. Grade: 4/10

Enthusiasm: In a really nice touch that I wish more broadcast teams would emulate, Campbell and Mulliniks stayed quiet for Eckstein’s introduction so the viewers could hear the P.A. guy and the crowd response. OK, maybe not “enthusiasm” in the truest sense, but it does show a love for the game and an appreciation for the fans. Otherwise, they were just kind of blah. The whole jet-lagging road trip, low-scoring, Angels win in 10 innings thing probably didn’t help. Grade: 4.5/10

Bar Stool Q: The demographics of 90% of my department within the cubicled confines of the Unnamed Defense Contractor are well-represented by Campbell and Mulliniks. And, there’s a reason why I don’t drink with most of them. Let’s give them a point for the assumption that they could at least put an evening out on the expense account. Grade: 1/10

Camera/Production: Flipping through my notes, I couldn’t find one thing I wrote about the broadcast qualities, good or bad. Much like either umpiring or a meal at McDonald’s, I guess that’s about the level of “perfectly acceptable”. Grade: 5/10

Homerism: Nearly a month after he’d been released, Campbell and Mulliniks threw erstwhile Blue Jay Frank Thomas under the bus one more time. They toed the nonsensical company line that without Thomas, the team had “more flexibility” in that addition-by-subtraction style that’s always used with unappreciative players of a certain…moving on. Grade: -7

Commerciality: Surreal to see Budweiser advertisements on Canadian TV. Aside from the whole American beer vs. Canadian beer thing, I remember back to our Vancouver trip it was impossible to even find beer. We ended up paying $16(US) for a six pack of Sam Adams. $16(US)! There were a couple of dated spots that “introduced” McDonald’s Angus burgers. I couldn’t find the real commercials, but get with the program, Canada…those funny tasting Mickey D’s meat patties have been in the States for over a year. And, in an awesome recruiting ad that could never air in America; the Canadian Forces were shown with weapons drawn in variously staged “hot spots”.

AFLAC Trivia Question: None. I assume this American sponsorship is a casualty of that whole national health care they have up there. Between this and their plentiful harvest of condiment chips, I wish I was Canadian. Well, Western Canadian. From the months of May to September. Early September.

Final Grade: 13.5

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: Greg Brown
Color Commentator: Steve Blass

If you’re ever amongst friends and the subject of “most underappreciated teams of the last 20 years” comes up, you could do a lot worse than referencing the 1990-92 Pittsburgh Pirates. They fell short in the NLCS in each year, but those Bonds-Van Slyke-Bonilla led lineups were at or near the top of the league in OBP and SLG in each year, while Doug Drabek anchored an outstanding, if ever-changing rotation. Now, in the 15th year of their rebuilding plan, it blows my mind that I’m one of those guys who’s old enough to remember when perennially bad teams used to be good. Now, I’m depressed. Not, “Pirates fan depressed”, but still…

Chemistry: Brown, who sounds an awful lot like former A’s play-by-play guy Greg Papa, is paired with Blass, 68, a former Pirates hurler and the most famous victim of Steve Blass Disease. Listening to Blass, I was reminded of Billy Crystal’s father-in-law in Forget Paris. It didn’t help that Blass seemed unable to pick up on any of the verbal cues from Brown unless they were placed on a tee. Blass repeatedly stepped all over Brown’s call of the game and seemed unsure of when and when not to talk. Grade: 3/10

Knowledge: I really don’t want this to sound like elder abuse, but here are a few examples of Blass’ “expert analysis”…regarding OF Nate McClouth’s All Star nod (“It’s absolutely condoned [sic].”); regarding a Carlos Lee home run (“Everyone knows that this one’s out of here.”); and, my favorite, on filling out an injury-depleted rotation (“When you’re in a desperate situation, you’re looking for pitchers who aren’t atrocious.”) Credit where it’s due, both Brown and Blass predicted the Pirates would hit Astros SP Runelvys Hernandez pretty hard. As of this writing, his career ERA is 5.50, so neither one is exactly Nostradamus. Grade: 3.5/10

Enthusiasm: Well, it’s not like they’ve had much to cheer about lately in the Steel City, but the most animated either man got was when they droned on and on about McClouth’s selection to the All Star Game. Y’know, guys, they DO take at least one player from each team. Blass also woke up for a rambling dissertation on players who don’t appreciate the All Star Game, while Brown got all up in arms over third basemen who bare-hand slow rollers up the line. Jesus, Pirates, hurry up and start winning. You’re driving the broadcasters cuckoo. Grade: 3.5/10

Bar Stool Q: Throughout a pretty fun slugfest, Brown and Blass amused themselves with a couple of “separated at births” (Mark Loretta and Davis Love III, Hunter Pence and Jim Furyk) and actually used the nickname “Doug E. Fresh” for 3B Doug Mientkiewicz. Put it this way: my BAC would have to be twice that of your average Pittsburgh resident (at this very moment) for me to want to be seen in public with these people. Grade: 1/10

Camera/Production: Nothing could top the pregame video montage of former Pirates selected to the All Star Game: Lloyd Waner, Vince DiMaggio, Matty Alou, Andy Van Slyke, Brian Giles…and Nate McClouth. Umm, I think you could’ve done a better job picking names, FSN-Pittsburgh producers and, again…someone from your team HAD to go, damn it! Grade: 5/10

Homerism: On one hand, neither Brown nor Blass are obviously pumping their pom-poms. On the other, Blass’ pandering, political caveats before any criticism (“Not to take anything away from…” or “I got nothing against…”) further blunted what was already a dull perspective. They did spend a minute or two criticizing the Pirates for hitting their pitcher eighth, but after SP Phil Dumatrait smoked an RBI single, they changed their tune. Grade: -3

Commerciality: A place called (wait for it)… The Baseball Card Castle bought FSN ad time! Baseball cards! In 2008! Oh, Pittsburgh…may your epidemic of blackened lungs and the depressed local economy never keep you from collecting. Something called Gus Groundhog hypes the Pennsylvania State Lottery, while The Rust Belt’s getting a ton of mileage out of the same anti-Obama spot that run during the Reds game I reviewed. FSN does have a pretty clever, self-deprecating series with some Pirates players.

AFLAC Trivia Question: “Which road park has Lance Berkman hit the most home runs?” (My answer: Wrigley Field; Correct answer: Great American Ballpark)

Final Grade: 13

Aaron Cameron blogs about baseball, music, movies, food, MFWNTAKs and the whole damn Bootleg Family over at That Bootleg Guy.

Play-by-Play: George Grande
Color Commentator: Chris Welsh